I remember what you said when we were in bed together drenched in each other’s sweat,
'Don’t go looking for things or you might find what you’re looking for'
My heart sunk
I hid it well, but I was hoping for a different answer
Some semblance of the truth, at least.
But now everyday I'm convinced
I’ve never meant to you what you’ve meant to me.
I notice all the little things about you,
How you smile so slyly,
The way you lips curl around your mouth,
I notice when your eyes are full of light,
The way you look at me and I just melt,
I notice the little frowns, the small frustrations... how you stroke your beard,
I notice when you want me close to you,
When you want to kiss me and you pull me towards you by my cheeks,
I notice how hot your breath gets,
How your kissing gets slow and deep and intense...
And I notice your soft breathing against my shoulder when I wake up
How your skin smells...
I notice everything,
But you don’t even notice that I notice
I wonder if I’ll ever call you randomly to hang out in your house,
See now I see things differently,
I feel too deeply,
I worry I might say too much
Or too little
There’s a certain coldness I feel around you now
When you’re close to me and I can smell your skin
I want to soak in it and hold you so close to my soul
But I have doubts about that now
I fear you might reject it
I have always been the villain in my stories
I’ve never truly felt this deeply for a stranger I barely know
It scares me how nervous I get around you
How I no longer know who to be around you
I don’t know what version of me you like...
And I hate that
But I have a feeling you like that
You like how weak I am for you,
How you stare into my eyes and my cheeks turn pink,
How you speak in that deep voice as I lay on your chest and I get goosebumps,
How it only takes one touch and I need you,
How you kiss me and lay me down,
How when we’re wrapped around each other I feel seen by you,
You enjoy torturing me,
Relishing in the thought of me being vulnerable
Knowing how fast I’m falling...
While she’s been there all along
I have to watch it all the time pretending my heart isn’t aching,
Pretending to be this strong person who shall not be broken
Well I’m broken
Everyday is torture
And like I told you in a moment of weakness,
I can’t cope.